The weather lately can sum up how I feel. Rainy, cloudy, cold, and boring. It’s my fault again, I’m in the middle of, somehow, a little of everything and far away from anything. I’m not quite sure if I could think of any other time I’ve felt this strong of discouragement and lack of effort; I’m not quite sure what’s the reason for it too which is the worst part. Ugh… I’m tired of myself, I want to do something but I’m not sure what. I haven’t been very consistent with the blogs lately, haven’t tried to write anything, haven’t thought about what I want to do for a big project; what have I done this week? I know that one huge problem for me is that say I have a week off but I don’t have any plans, I wouldn’t be able to push myself to do anything. Even something that I like, like acting, why haven’t I tried to memorize the script this one act I’m doing at my acting school? Why haven’t I tried to write songs? Or just lyrics or anything. When I’m in the house for the day I basically get trapped by the essence of nothingness within me and I put on my headphones and music kidnap me away. I love music and it sucks for me to say that it’s hurting me sometimes. That’s my fault and I have to work that. I have to work on learning how to tell myself to get my head out of my ass and get working. Sounds easy but it’s the hardest thing for me. I feel like if I surround myself with people that actually know how to do that I’d be better off.
This time period is just really kicking me down. Junior year of high school… if I could describe it, I’d call it Sisyphus. From what I know it’s a Greek mythology of a king being punished by gods to roll a huge boulder up the mountain and only to watch it charge back down and repeat the same process over and over. I don’t know if it really fits but the idea of that feels a bit similar. There’s a good side to it too I guess, I mean the king is going to be very beefy and brawny if the punishment ends, no one would like to mess with him after. The constant pressure of colleges now, the grades, the SATs, the homework, I wish I can overcome all of them and make fun of them. Honestly, the only thing I look forward to right now is my Saturday acting class. It’s so fun and exciting. It’s in the city number one, I’ve so some really interesting people and friends number two, and I simply love doing what we do. Everybody in the class is down for whatever we are going to do and that drive and encouragement in the class just makes it better than anything. I want to focus on that. Because I want to do acting for the rest of my life, so I think it’s better if I get the most out of it.