Spent time on

So it’s finally over, my school play, Almost Maine. Over this span of couple weeks I’ve had a variety of different feelings. Sometimes I hated the play, sometimes I felt it was actually quite alright. To start off, I really didn’t have a good amount of motivation when auditioning for the play. Since this is my junior year of highschool – a.k.a the most stressful and important year – I had the worry that I’m not going to balance my time well enough between academics and this play. Especially I got parts from three characters from the play, which meant I had to stay every single day after school; while some of my peers only had to stay on certain days. I was a bit conflicted at the beginning. I thought it’d be getting in the way of a lot of my time but I didn’t do anything about it, why didn’t I? I guess I find myself not able to turn down such opportunity and specially I want to be an actor, so why should I turn it down? But I also think that now I’m in this phase of really not doing anything because a lot of things are out of my control.

Things out of my control just keeps on barging in on me. At least I feel that way, therefore I’m really a fog of nothing really, just fog. I hate that. I never liked not able to find anything to do or just lost in general. I don’t really know what I’m doing right now, don’t really know what I’m desired to do. I’m just letting days pass by while sitting around and doing nothing. I want to do something that I like, something that makes me happy but I don’t know what that is anymore. I can’t quite find the feelings that I had before, I want to get that back. After the play was over I sort of felt something, couldn’t really place my finger on it but it was something. Satisfaction could be it but it feels a bit more than that, although that feeling only lasted a little while before it was all gone.

That’s why I have mix feelings about the play. It’s always at the very end of the show that I feel this satisfaction and joy, even a little heart warming feeling, and I wish that feeling could stick around with me while I’m doing work, present and future. But in someway I feel that there’s something there which is what I’m going for, something more. Honestly I’m just rambling at this point and I can not at all say what it is, but I can feel it, I think.

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