After this first week in the summer program I have found the same trouble that keeps coming back to me, that being I’m always trying to do something “right”. I’ve had this problem for a long time and I know that it has been stopping me from a lot of improvements with my work. We did a lot of repetition this week, and I truly enjoyed it. I enjoyed it mostly because of the fact that I suck at it. I have done a little practice with repetition in Meisner and I thought I would have an easier time going back into it but that’s completely not the case, it’s incredibly challenging. Apparently that I’m always thinking about what I’m going to say and trying to say the right thing but a lot of times I don’t even realize that I was doing it. I need to get out of my head and focus simply more on the presence of my partner. I want to find the sense of feeling vulnerable, I can’t really recall any time that I felt real vulnerability and I want to feel that. I want to not think, I just want to do, I just want my impulses to come out. Speaking about impulses I feel that a lot of times I don’t really have any impulses at all and I want to find out why, is it that I’m ignoring them or is it that I think those impulses are wrong? Either way, both are bad. Although this one day after class walking on the streets there were these guys on motorcycles thrusting their engines as loud as possible and it was totally unnecessary, I was decently annoyed by it and after a little bit of time I turned around and screamed “SHUT UP” pretty loud. I never usually do that but I had the impulse of it and I let it out, it felt good honestly. My only regret was that I didn’t scream it louder. Anyway, it was an exciting first week and a challenging on but I can’t wait for more to come. I have to get out of my head.
This week went by extremely fast for me and it’s weird because I actually can’t really remember a lot from this week. But what stuck with me in my mind is what Shenga told me to keep my knees bent for the Suzuki exercise and STAY GROUNDED. I find that it’s true I’m always jumpy and eager to hop everywhere. Shenga said to that if I don’t stay strong and grounded a strong actor will come and blow me off the stage. I feel that there’s a very important lesson that I can take from that because I bet it would really hard for the audience to pay attention to an actor who’s always antsy and can’t stay focused. So I thought that was pretty important to remember. In acting, I’m looking to be more sensitive. Apparently for an actor being sensitive is a good thing, I see that so much more now. I’ve always thought people being sensitive weren’t a good thing but now I see that it’s not people being judgemental and overreacting but people who know what they are feeling and their emotions. To also take in what other people say more personal is also a factor I need to work on, for when I’m on the stage. If I can take the lines more personal it’ll probably help with stirring up more emotions in me, and that’s what I want. I can’t believe that it has already been two weeks of this program already, I feel kind of upset and scared of how fast the time is passing. I still need to work on being vulnerable and it’s weird to say but yet so fun to say that I want to be vulnerable so bad. I want to feel what it’s like being scared and all because I can’t really remember a time when I completely felt scared and vulnerable. It has already been two weeks, two more weeks to work on that.
7/30/18 (last week) 🙁
The third week was one of the most intense weeks for me personally. It was due to the fact that we tackled the 5 minutes of reality exercise. It was incredibly challenging physically and mentally. What I thought was really cool is when I did my first five minutes of reality and my circumstance leads to despair. I thought I would have so much trouble getting into the reality that I wouldn’t really be authentic. But once I had some sense of the circumstance it became a snowball effect where it just kept on going downhill. I then really felt a lot of emotions pouring out which was cool because I knew that the circumstance was fake, so why did it feel so real? I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t want to stop crying, I cried so much to the point when my arms were numb. Both my arms became numb when I was just outside of the classroom preparing. Then when I was in the room I felt my friends all there but I didn’t feel like I had to hide anything at all, it was quite sweet. Also being joyful is so much harder than being upset, it’s interesting. I always thought that the way I feel and express joy is how I’ve done it in class, but I’m sure there’s this part of me that’s been hidden away for so long that I completely forgot about it. I wished I could’ve give extreme joy another try again, I want to find how I really feel again. Besides the five minutes of reality, I really don’t have anything, besides that the week went by extremely fast and now we’re at the last week of the program, which is depressing. But I also really enjoyed reading the book this book, Daring Greatly. One point on it I found that I could really relate to was that vulnerability is also asking for help. I rarely ask for help, a lot of times I think that I’m able to take on whatever that I’m facing by myself. I think to myself that I just wouldn’t want to trouble anyone and less stress for them, but I know it’s also because I want to prove to myself that I am strong, that I can do it. I guess that’s a vulnerable part of me, I have to work on that. Anyway it’s the last week, I’m going to enjoy it.