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The same trouble


That I make over and over and over. It’s all connected, waiting until the last minute, waiting for a good idea, and waiting for a stupid fairy to come down and do all your work for you. It all leads to the obstacle that I’m facing which is just start the work and focus. I see that right now I start a lot of work, but I don’t finish it; I think because the pressure of my desire of wanting to make whatever I’m doing good is so overwhelming, that it takes control of me every time I try to do something. Leading me to wait for something to hit me or just not doing it at all. Example, I want to get a job, really do, and I have gone into small restaurants like The Rex (burger place near me it’s quite good but pricey), Luigi’s to ask for an application form, but I have around 5 of those. Each time I get one I fill it out but I just don’t hand it in. Why? I’m thinking a lot about how’s my schedule going to work out and how busy I’ll be but if I don’t even get hired, how in the world would I know? Same thing with the driving’s permit. I keep saying I’ll do it, I’ll do it, but I just don’t. I’m afraid of failing the permit test, but if I fail I guess that means I shouldn’t be on the road.

I’m always afraid of not being able to accomplish a project to my definition of “good”, but everything I do is never good. As Luke said to me “years from now, everything you did right now won’t matter, it’ll suck” and I find that true to the point where it’s funny. Funny now that I see it. Do I ever think back to a project I’ve done and said: “wow, I did such a good job” unless I won some contest, I won’t. I really like the idea of learning how to take the situations as for how it is, learning that your work, it is what it is. I want to learn how to simply embrace whatever I’m working on, who cares. I have to say to myself that whatever I’m working on right now, is not going to change the world, but if I keep on pushing out more and more work, it might just change me, maybe a glimpse of even considering changing the world.  So….  yeah, I gotta go hand in my application paper.

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