It’s really interesting. I’ve been working on the songwriting project for a couple of weeks now and I’m both interested and disappointed in my results. First off, I wish I could’ve done more. I wish that I had spent more time on producing more songs, getting more done. Everytime I try to write I seem to be distracted by the academic homeworks I have. I try not to but a lot of times I put the homeworks for the classes first as they’re first priority. Since I’m stuck with the fact that homeworks leads to my GPA, GPA leads to my college in a way; it forces this pressure onto me that I have to make sure I do good on my academics so I have a better chance of getting into the college I want, even for art. Not only that my mom’s constantly reminding me how important grades are, and she supports me for wanting to do acting anytime which just makes it more unfair if I disappoint her by the things she care a lot about. I try really hard on those homeworks and it takes up a real chunk of my time. A lot of times when I’m done with all my school work it’s already past 12:00 am, which is my constant sleeping schedule now, and I have no more energy to write. After spoken to Luke he told me I should try timing myself. Pacing myself with my work, which I want to start doing. I think that It’ll help me a lot if I have a time limit, as it’ll push me constantly work for a period of time. So, now let’s talk about the interesting part.
As you might already have read from my previous blog post that I said songwriting is frustrating and challenging. I also find myself to be intimidated by it, really intimidating. That’s what makes it so interesting though. A lot of times when I write I usually write about what I was thinking about, what emotions I’m feeling, what stories I want to convey; and that’s exactly what intimidates me. It’s when I’m writing lyrics, I think to myself “do I really feel that way” or “is this actually what I’m writing about?” Sometimes digging down really deep makes me a bit uncomfortable, so basically sometimes I’m uncomfortable facing myself. I find myself lying to my heart a lot; many times I thought of these phrases to put down but I deny it. I didn’t feel like putting the words on the page because I thought it wouldn’t fit or I didn’t think it was interesting enough. That is pure idiocy. I hate when I do that. Honestly, who cares? I’m afraid of judgement on those words I’m going to write and I’m afraid that people would think this and that. BUT IT’S MY NOTEBOOK, it’s my work so why would I care about showing it to anyone? I don’t even have to show it if I don’t want to. I’m such an idiot to the point where sometimes I’m afraid of my own judgements towards me. That’s simply dumb. I find that really fun though. Poking those emotions that I have and challenging my mind. Although I might not like it now, I better get used to it because I’ll be doing songwriting a lot more, I better start enjoying it because I want to enjoy it really bad. I feel that constantly exploring these uncomfortable zones would I then really find out really who I am and what I like to do. So stay tuned of what I’m about to do next.