It’s really frustrating. For the first quarter in STAC the class was assigned an independent project to work on. I both love and dislike independent projects. Reason why I love it is because that it’s simply fun and interesting. I’ve found that the reason why I dislike it comes from myself, because many times I push the independent project to the end. For any project I’ve always pushed it to the very last couple of days or even minutes to do it, and I simply dislike that. I know that I NEED to fix this bad habit of mine but I don’t quite understand why I can’t help it. I’ve always had a mindset of “okay, I’m going to start this thing. I’m not going to wait” but that never works. I constantly complain in my head telling me to start and that doesn’t help either. At this point I’m sure that the only way I’ll be able to do something is to start. I need someone to yell at me – even throw a chair at me – I need that to start at least something. Now I’m thinking about it I also need to learn how to stay focused. I found that when I was doing my projects a lot of times I’d get distracted somehow and it would stop me from working, I hate that. A lot of times my teacher Luke would tell me to go outside the classroom and work so I can come up with something. It does help a lot but sometimes I find myself, when outside, thinking about what other people are doing, and that also can distract me from doing my work.
For this project I decided to do music. Songwriting in particular. I even find it surprising that I decided to do this. I mean, I never wrote a song ever in my life. I barely have any music talent too. Everybody keeps saying that “oh James, you can play the instruments” and all that stuff ,thanks, but really, those are just when I was young getting instructions of what to play, what keys to press, and when to do it. I’m very disappointed in myself for that. I love music. I love the piano, the sound of it, the look of it, and the feeling of it; yet when I was a little kid I felt forced to play the instrument. I felt it was like homework, task, or requirement that I have to fulfill. I have to go to those classes, and the teacher tells me what I have to play and it’s usually Beethoven. Not that the music was bad but I didn’t find the enjoyment in it. I wish if I could go back in time I’d definitely change my approach to music. I feel the reason why I wanted to do music so much this year is to really learn the music. I want to approach it in a different way and a challenge way too. That’s why I decided to do songwriting. Not only it is challenging and intimidating, it’s also something brand new to me – I love new things. I find myself in a constant need for challenge, always putting myself with hard task that I know I’d suffer from, and I feel the most joy while doing it.
Reason why I said I was frustrated is because I can’t find out what I’m doing. It’s so hard. Songwriting is like trying to find the skinniest little fur and sticking through the skinniest little hole. I constantly write, that’s all I do, yet every time I go back and try to look for something I find “I hate myself” popping out in my head a lot. But one thing that’s pretty satisfying is, I’m actually trying. I’m actually writing something down and actually trying to write a song. I know it’s bad. It’s horrible. But I’m glad I at least doing it. This senior from last year, Vika, her words has been constantly pacing back and forth in my head. At the very end of last year Vika was painting a miro outside the STAC room, I walked out to see what she was doing and saw her very upset. It was because of the fact that it was her last year ever in STAC and it’s something that I think I’d have a hard time with too. But I remember she said to me “honestly, literally, do the things you want to do. Don’t waste your time, don’t be scared. Don’t wait until senior year to try new things. Do what you want.” Those words and the expression on her face is still in my head and I don’t think that’s going away for a while. It’s a good thing.
So I don’t know where this is going to lead. Who knows. Maybe I’d finally put my music page on the front menu. Would I give up doing music? No. I’m stating down this fact right now. Music is this thing that’s constantly in everybody’s head for those that heard it and it’s simply so interesting; it somehow just crawls inside of a person someway or another. It is so inviting for me that I want to grasp it real tight.