As I was reading The War of Art, book as a gift from our STAC teacher Luke, I started becoming more and more aware of this little voice inside of my head, aka, resistance. As I kept reading, it started becoming louder and louder to at a point overwhelming. It’s pretty scary. What this book talk about is “resistance” and how it’s the most powerful thing blocking us from our goal, the unlived life. That is mainly what we’re trying to defeat or what I’m trying to defeat. I find myself being in control of the resistance, and I hate it. I even got defeated by it before writing this blog. As I finished up reading the book I knew I had to start writing this blog, but resistance got to me first. I sat down in front of the computer screen stare at it for about 10 minutes just to think about how do I start by writing. And 10 minutes later as I’m writing, I’m still thinking about how I’m going to continue writing. Ugh I hate it. Although I did find it interesting how when I was reading the book resistance didn’t really stop me from it. I think it was the layout of the book, how each page is a new chapter or section making it easy to read. Or it was how this book literally talks about all the characteristic of resistance and my wanting of beating resistance beat it while I was reading. I can connect with this book every single day of my life. Especially around this time. It’s my biggest to become an actor. Biggest goal ever. I feel that’s something I wake up for and crave for the night before. I want to do and be involved in way more acting than I am right now, but what’s stopping me? Fear. I’m sure that I’m stuck in this category of thinking “if you do well in school, got to go to a good college, then you’ll be successful in life”. I mean that’s what I’m hearing everyday right now, you have to go to a good college, what if you don’t get into NYU you can’t become an actor (since they have a good acting school), how’d you raise your family? All of these got me so scared that I’ll be pissed if I get a B+. Now acting takes a lot of time, it’s really hard to balance it out with school and sports etc. Fear is the resistance factor that is stopping me from doing the things I love. I’m scared now if I do more of acting I won’t be able to manage my time and by not managing my time I’d get my grades down and that’d drop my GPA. If I have all the free time I would apply to all the audition possible, but would I?
After I read the chapter Resistance Recruit Allies, I really thought about it with my life. First I thought allies meant fear, anger, depression, jealousy, factors like those. Then I read it, it actually said the allies are real people. How the book said people around this writer starts to become moody and accuse her of “not being the same person she was” because of she actually started writing. This scared me, or more so made me realize this was going to be one of the biggest challenges. As the book said “The awakening artist must be ruthless, not only with herself but with others. Once you make your break, you can’t turn around for your buddy who catches his trouser leg on the barbed wire. The best thing you can do for that friend is to get over the wall and keep motating.” Me as a person I always wanted to connect with others. Always wanted to help others when needed and I want to make sure that friend of mine is going to get his leg out of the barbed wire and get over that wall together. I feel that’s what makes me, me. I can already tell that’s not going to be the case, I can’t get everybody out of that barbed wire and it’s going to be most difficult when I have to get over alone and motate. I hate being alone, yet I love being by myself. I don’t know, it’s quite weird. I think that I hate being alone as that I’m not connected to anyone and being isolated, and that I love being by myself as an example everytime I go to the city I love going alone, then I feel the freedom of going anywhere I want, walk however far I want, and maybe even talk to whoever I want. I guess that all connects to what that chapter talked about, and one thing that I have to face while fight against resistance.